A day trip with the Yashica FX-3 and Rollei Infrared 400.

I've officially been freed from house arrest since Friday and on Sunday I took a trip with my buddy to the woods and walked down town for a while.

I've barely shot this year, January and February were too cold for me and I was ill during those months often. March was filled with a few days of the X-Pro 2 and then work on my house started and I ended up with a Bronica SQ-Ai and a 135W pano back. Over the last 80 or so days, the new X-Pro 2 and all my other cameras were abandoned while I had fun with the Bronica on the few days I could get to leave the house.

So with new found freedom, I went back to some old gear. My Yashica FX-3 Super 2000 and decided to try out an infrared film that's been sitting in my fridge waiting to be used. Not owning an R72 filter, I was really unsure on how to shoot it, forgetting about the IR focus scale on my lens (though that seemed to be pointless without a filter).

Some of the results were flawed due to my lack of light and lack of a steady hands but the shots that did turn out right were real nice.  As always, no quality is guaranteed.

I found the grain to be quite pleasing and it's relatively sharp too. I'd really love to shoot a bit more of this but I'd have to cough up some money for an R72 filter first. I still have a roll of 135 and 120 to shoot later, but we'll see if it makes an outing again.

Anxiety can be crippling, when you're a cripple.

So, since March 9th I've been part of Edinburgh City Council's kitchen and bathroom upgrade program. Since March 9th, I've spent approximately 12 hours total outside my house.

Not only do I now have my regular pain management and anxiety to deal with, but I get to wait in every, single weekday for the work to be completed. Nothing has happened in over a week now and you'd think it's safe to leave.
It's not safe to leave. Not when you have anxiety. Some things can make anxiety worse, being isolated for 5 weeks is one of them.

Leave the house, it's easy. Just go to the doctors. It all sounds so easy. Yet I feel trapped in my own house and when I'm in the outside world.

"Just go to the doctors". I;m anxious to go to my current doctor after my last visit over a year ago. I'd rather live in pain than suffer that again. Now I want to switch doctors but can't write. I phoned up and asked about switching and when I explained I could no longer hold a pen they just said: you can get your friends to do it, or your family"
"friends"
"family"
These are things that people who don't have anxiety have, things that people who can control pain have. I've long since lost those.
When you explain that your family are dead and that you no longer have friends, you ask if they could help you fill in the one to two page short form and they tell you: "If we're not busy, but we have to answer the phones and take enquiries".
Then it strikes you that to be a medical receptionist, you need certain skills. These people certainly don't face anxiety. The NHS isn't cut out for people like me, that's why you don't go.

I've had two posts ready in the last month, and being indoors helped me to write them, but I'm not sure that I can publish them. Anxiety just gets to me.


Anxiety is a fucking curse. Fuck anxiety.

Keith Emerson: The difference between the death and suicide of a star.

The crotch that every man and woman dreams of has passed.

Recently, someone that I admired greatly died. Keith Emerson of The Nice, Emerson, Lake & Palmer chose to commit suicide on the 10th March 2016. Usually I wouldn't talk about something like this, I'd read the news, tear up a bit and rewatch/listen/read some of my favourite works they produced. This time, it hit me but not in the same way. There wasn't that usual sadness that the world had lost a great talent. This time it was suicide.

I'm not saying that Emerson did not have a great talent, he certainly did. I'm saying that this hit home in a very different way. When Robin Williams did the same thing, there was a great sadness. We all knew of his pain he had suffered, the depression and those he left behind. The adorable Zelda Williams we got to see with him in those wonderful Nintendo ads. The man we adored for his great performances.  I related to Williams pain because I have suffered depression throughout my life and my closest family members have too. I understood that in a moment of weakness someone may do that.
If I feel that way about William, why don't I feel the same about Keith Emerson? Why do I feel I have the right to judge someone I admired?

Emerson hit a lot closer to home. In the recent years I have been getting to grips with my life, with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. Emerson had problems with his hands and arms too, muscle and nerve problems, something that I can relate to. Playing his instrument of choice had become harder for him, and I imagine that like myself would also come with extreme pain.
As part of my condition, I suffer extreme pain in my hands, wrists, arms and legs. Crippling, chronic pain that's getting worse and worse every day that I am alive. I used to be able to play the guitar, keyboard. I used to be able to draw and colour, I used to be able to play video games for more than 30 minutes! Life was great and boy, did I enjoy it.
Now I can only play games in 5-45 minute sittings on average a day. Sometimes I can play them for longer. I can play instruments for 5-10 minutes max, then I'm left in extreme pain. I can't draw anymore and I can't even hold a pen. Want to go outside for a walk? I suffer crippling pain, I dislocate my knees. For me, Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome robbed me of the things that I enjoy. It's been robbing me of life. Sure, it gets me down but I try my best to do what I can and find a workaround. No matter how hard it gets, I try my hardest to pull through. I'm only 26 years old right now. Maybe I have no right to comment on this at all.

So with that said, I'm disappointed in what Keith did. I'm disappointed in him. He played on some of my favourite albums and songs, his soundtracks were fun to listen to. Those will always be there and I will always admire him because of them. What I won't admire him for is for the choice he made.
I can sympathise with him for not wanting to let fans down, at his inability to do something he loves so dearly. I may not have my own legion of fans, I may not be talented, but I can at least sympathise with his struggles. It's because of this that I can proudly say that I am disappointed in his choice to end his life over this issue.

While his girlfriend has said he may have done this because he was worried about upcoming performances, about disappointing the fans. That comments got to him and he was sensitive. I'm sure fans would have understood him retiring from music and performing. We were all aware of his health issues. We wouldn't have been disappointed in him. His previous output more than made up for his recent performances.

While there's certainly some blame you can put on fans for offhand comments that he should "give up" or "just stop", while you can pin the blame on depression. While you can certainly pin the blame on chronic pain and nerve damage. You can also pin the blame on his moment of weakness.

Someone I admired died this week. Someone I admired for his great strength, talent and even for keeping up his craft when faced with medical problems. Someone who inspired countless people, including Nobuo Uematsu. He made his choice, and the choice was his alone. That doesn't mean that I have to respect the choice he made.

I'll try my hardest to pull through, to go on living. I certainly hope that I never give in to those thoughts and pressures you feel in your darkest moments.

RIP Keith. You lived a great life ;_;7