So, since March 9th I've been part of Edinburgh City Council's kitchen and bathroom upgrade program. Since March 9th, I've spent approximately 12 hours total outside my house.
Not only do I now have my regular pain management and anxiety to deal with, but I get to wait in every, single weekday for the work to be completed. Nothing has happened in over a week now and you'd think it's safe to leave.
It's not safe to leave. Not when you have anxiety. Some things can make anxiety worse, being isolated for 5 weeks is one of them.
Leave the house, it's easy. Just go to the doctors. It all sounds so easy. Yet I feel trapped in my own house and when I'm in the outside world.
"Just go to the doctors". I;m anxious to go to my current doctor after my last visit over a year ago. I'd rather live in pain than suffer that again. Now I want to switch doctors but can't write. I phoned up and asked about switching and when I explained I could no longer hold a pen they just said: you can get your friends to do it, or your family"
"friends"
"family"
These are things that people who don't have anxiety have, things that people who can control pain have. I've long since lost those.
When you explain that your family are dead and that you no longer have friends, you ask if they could help you fill in the one to two page short form and they tell you: "If we're not busy, but we have to answer the phones and take enquiries".
Then it strikes you that to be a medical receptionist, you need certain skills. These people certainly don't face anxiety. The NHS isn't cut out for people like me, that's why you don't go.
I've had two posts ready in the last month, and being indoors helped me to write them, but I'm not sure that I can publish them. Anxiety just gets to me.
Anxiety is a fucking curse. Fuck anxiety.
